“We have relationships with everything we perceive, whether that is an object, event, or a person. Our authenticity depends on our authentic response to that relationship, and what is appropriate within that context.
Therefore, authenticity is not ‘speaking one’s truth no matter what,’ but is about responding in truth to what the relationship is calling for.”
~Mark Petruzzi
What does authenticity mean to you? Your beliefs and attitudes about the concept of authenticity may have a significant impact on the creation and co-creation of your relationships with others. Recently, a Psychology Today blog by Vivian Diller got me to thinking about this subject to even greater depths than I had before. The result? My current thinking goes something like this:
There are three aspects to authenticity.
The first requirement is that my desires have some connection with WHO I am. I wouldn’t get cosmetic surgery for fear of not meeting some consensus standard, or to impress according to some cosmetic standard (though for SOME cosmetic surgery IS an authentic action). I won’t buy a certain brand because others revere it. For me, the aforementioned choices would mean compliance, and compliance is hardly ever my first choice. I am not judging a different approach, but I am saying that for me, that kind of choice wouldn’t fit my idea of a real me. My approach to authenticity requires that the majority of my desires about how I represent myself have connections to my heartfelt and gut-felt preferences.
The second is alignment between my core values, desires, and preferences, with my choices. When I am aligned like this, folks can sense I’m centered and feeling good and I “present” as an authentic person regardless of what I do. Folks can sense realness. I may use the same smartphone as a person next to me who bought theirs just because it is considered cool, but I assure you that I bought mine because it genuinely fits me. You can read more about my ideas on life alignment at my other Website.
The third part is about regulating how much of my inner life I share with others. Whatever amount that is, I allow it to be 100% authentic, BUT, I regulate the amount I share as relative to what I perceive are the “requirements” of the relationship.
In other words, I shoot for 100% authentic about what I reveal, but reveal only what is appropriate to the level of intimacy in the relationship. This reduces the risk of me crashing someone else’s boundaries under the auspices of “speaking my truth” as I have seen so many do. I hope this makes sense to my readers.
On the other hand, as an artist, I sometimes embellish a story in song, or adjust a photograph to get across how I experienced or related to the object, scene, person, or event, rather than relate it as a dry, super-realistic, rendering. Is this authentic? If I am not contriving, and convey my feeling in the art, I believe it is. If I just use special effects to “get tricky,” I believe I’m just executing a formula, and am not as authentic as I could be.
What are your beliefs and approaches to authenticity? What are your expectations of others?
Added Later: I’d like to further clarify something about alignment as critical to authenticity. When our choices and actions (including what we say) are in alignment with and reflect what we really want, we come off more real and more authentic than if we aren’t acting in alignment with, or paying attention to this critical aspect of our lives (knowing and acting on what we really want).
Getting to what we really want isn’t always easy. With the loud din of consensus reality influences (marketing, the news cycle, “authorities”, etc.) in our ears, how to we “cut through?”
I find it useful to ask if my desires are aligned with certain core values that I have. As I am making choices during the day, I get a sense of my direction that includes the following considerations:
Is this desire aligned with bringing more joy (as opposed to “mere” pleasure)? Is this desire aligned with a loving direction? Will this desire bring more freedom, or less? Considering this desire, do I sense a feeling of expansion or constriction?
You may have your own way of “checking in” with self, and I highly recommend some form of this “inner life practice.”
Thanks for sharing your concepts of authenticity. I found it to be both succinct and beautifully written….. I totally related to your words and I especially liked:
“In other words, I shoot for 100% authentic about what I reveal,but reveal only what is appropriate to the level of intimacy in the relationship. This reduces the risk of me crashing someone else’s boundaries under the auspices of “speaking my truth”as I have seen so many do. I hope this makes sense to my readers.”
Thanks, readero!
Defining and discussing authenticity can prove challenging at times, because ideas about authenticity’s expression and definition can shift significantly with situational context (not saying they should, or shouldn’t, but just that they seem to do that often in discussion that I’ve had).
My goal here was to begin this discussion with at least some clarity by showing both context and approach where important for me.
“. . . regulating how much of my inner life I share with others. What ever amount that is,I allow it to be 100% authentic . . .”
WordGuy – This seems circular! I am reading this for your take on authenticity, and I am getting to the crunch of the bit that really interests me and then .. . 100% what? Here I was expecting the very definition of authenticity.
Can I tempt you to add some more?
Hmm… it does seem circular, doesn’t it? Perhaps, I could have been more clear on that one.
In this case what I mean by “inner life” is the collection of beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, emotions, values, etc. that are interacting inside me in any given moment. (As an aside, I am NOT these things, and I believe I choose them. I am a “who” behind all of these. That essence that I am in touch with, I allow to come through. When I align my beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, and choices with the preferences of that essence, I believe I present more authentically—in other words, I have an authentic psychological affect. This is the level I like to operate on, and just like anyone else, I can get off center at times. )
I don’t automatically share 100% of my thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, emotions, etc. with others. I share at a level that I feel is appropriate to the relationship, and of those I share, I am honest, or I find a graceful way of declining to answer.
If something disturbs me, or I disagree with something, I also consider the relationship, and how appropriate it is for me to share this bit of disagreement from my inner life. I don’t think it is inauthentic to regulate how much I share; my personal requirement is only that I am authentic about what I share. Once more, If I’m having some success in maintaining alignment of my inner life, all this takes place against the backdrop of what I italicized in the first paragraph.
Does this make sense?
Thank you for asking about this.
On more thing: my whole approach is pretty contingent on developing what I call a “sense of appropriateness” in time and space as we interact with others. In other words, getting present, and getting a real sense of the conditions in a particular moment of interaction, and a particular environment, with a particular person, and their particular emotional nature.
The approach requires that one build an effective level of familiarity and connection with what I’ll call an “inner compass.”
Lastly, this way of operating, is only my personal approach, and one that I find worthwhile. It’s something to shoot for, and though I succeed at it more often than not, there are still times when I wish I were more present, and had made a more effective choice in a particular communication or representation of myself. There are always ways to improve.
I’ve always equated being authentic to being true to my “real self.” That can be difficult to the extent that my own definition of who I am is constantly evolving and being refreshed, at least by degrees.
My latest favorite test: would my childhood self approve of how I define & present myself now? We mature and change, but I feel I’m happiest and being most authentic when I’m engaged in activities or subjects that I’ve loved since I was a kid, and being true to long-held values.
Hi Grace,
I agree that is can prove difficult to be true to your “real self” because we are more “verbs” than “nouns” and are very dynamic and fluid in our self-expansion, as well as in our relationships with everything that we perceive. Even when I write or talk about alignment, therefore, I am considering that alignment as a dynamic relationship. In other words, I can choose new thoughts and beliefs as appropriate to align with who I am, even as I change.
The above is why I am kind of a “broken record” when it comes to talking about an inner sense of appropriateness, and an “inner compass.” With everything about us so dynamic, why do we put so much importance on outside guidance, standards, and approvals to tell us what is appropriate or authentic for us? Isn’t it better that we develop (or regain) a level of comfort with our own inner authority.
As for the childhood self-approvals… I could see how that might serve as a “window” to your essence, because you were probably much closer to your true preferences and inner-compass before so many authority figures all but disconnected you from it.
Thank you for responding here. I enjoyed your reading your comment.
Hey there WordGuy, I am enjoying challenging you a little on this stuff. I am batting this back at you:
*This is the level I like to operate on* >>If I could underline or bold the word Like, I would.
There is a hint here that a person can set themselves authenticity targets. That maybe they can overcome some of their deficiencies and brand themselves with an authenticity that they aspire to have.
A brave individual might be authentic to their real nature, taking out any level of self-regulation, leaving their preferences / character / personality to shine through. This would push the onus on the receiver to ‘take it or leave it’. Now surely that would be truly authentic (if harder to be around, LOL). Great for those people with a sunny, likeable disposition, but tough for opinionated or crabby types. Hence the need to factor in ‘appropriateness’ in the relationship.
If the naturally opinionated type constantly has to be aware of being appropriate, are they sacrificing a chunk of authenticity straight off?
I am seeing a correlation between appropriateness:authenticity. How about you?
Hey there, “walking”
I’m enjoying this as well.
The “target” is not a quantifiable one in terms of “how much authenticity. The target is to operate in a state of present consciousness that allows not only authenticity, but greater overall wellbeing.
When my inner life and outer life are aligned as described, everything seems to flow better, including how “real” I both feel and present to others. The target, then, is alignment; the benefit, wellbeing, and greater benefit to others. Knowing that I feel much better in alignment, this is the target I shoot for.
I’ll return a bit later with a reply to the rest of your last post….
Until then…
Just checking in to see where we’re at! Spotted your addition to the post and your comment
*You may have your own way of “checking in” with self, and I highly recommend some form of this “inner life practice.”*
Mine is Walking the Moorlands, and I too find that checking in with self is an excellent practice.
Hi again,
You wrote:
OK, I have to pick this apart a bit so that I can organize my thoughts and write a clearer response for all readers.
Let’s start with the “brave individual.”
To me a brave individual is one who is connected both with their strength, and vulnerability. A brave individual has navigated some of life’s challenges and contrast and discomfort on the way to greater self-knowledge. A brave individual has made some difficult choices to maintain alignment with who they are—sometimes going against consensus opinions of family, friends, and authority figures. A brave individual is one who expresses from self-knowledge in a way that is both aligned with core desires (freedom, joy, growth) and is appropriate to the relationship at hand.
Such an individual is brave, because to share WHO they are puts them in a vulnerable position. Sharing their honest desires, concerns, fears, loves, etc., in an atmosphere which one believes, to one degree or another, is unsafe, requires some courage.
On the other hand, blurting out from one’s angst or crabbiness, while an authentic expression of an ego under stress, is not kind of authenticity that I consider born of bravery, or one that I find worthy of aspiring to. In effect, this sort of expression is actually careless—even reckless—not brave. It disregards relationships and may ruin progress towards achieving desires. Without care, there is no courage!
Further, to my way of thinking, our natural state is one of wellbeing, so our most authentic selves are expressed when we are aligned as I described in my earlier thoughts on alignment. Therefore, a “crabby type” may express authentic version of themselves under stress (and a bit separated from Self, with a big “S”), but is not expressing their most “real nature.”
You wrote about pushing the onus on the receiver to take or leave another’s authentic expression.
I believe it is an attractive universe. I may not consciously ask for you to express something you want to express to me, but nothing comes into my reality uninvited. If I experience it, but didn’t consciously ask for it, then I have attracted it through habitual thought, or by what I habitually pay attention to.
How I handle your expression is my responsibility. How you express is yours. Though we may co-create an event in which both occur (giving and receiving), we are each responsible for our thoughts and reactions, as well as our next choices going from there.
There are times when an authentic expression of anger may inspire me, and other times when it may put me off. There are times when expressing anger will lift me out of sadness, there are times when it will take me out of balance, calling me to take a look at how I might come back to center again.
I believe that all types benefit from an awareness of where they would like to improve, and what is an appropriate authentic expression based on what they want vis-a-vis what is.
Have you ever seen a really effusive “happy type” in a room full of crabby folk? Trust me, an unregulated expression of joy in such a scenario doesn’t work out all that well, lol.
I don’t believe we sacrifice authenticity in the scenario you describe.
We only sacrifice authenticity when we act/express out of alignment with our desires.
An angry outburst is authentic, but prioritizing a heartfelt desire, so that we moderate or regulate our anger to preserve a relationship necessary to achieving that desire, is also authentic.
If I lie to someone to coerce them into doing what I want them to do, I am authentically expressing my sense of powerlessness in achieving my goals by more honest means, but not authentically expressing alignment with who I really am. The latter is the kind of authenticity that I believe most of us think of when we talk about “being real.” Its the kind of authenticity we appreciate, and aspire to.
I would prefer to say that there is a correlation between appropriateness, and comfortable EXPRESSION of authenticity. I would go on to say that authenticity itself is more about a correlation between how well we are aligning our thoughts, beliefs, choices, etc., with who we are and what we truly want… what will bring us our highest joy.
Hi WordGuy
Such a lot to think about!
On the one hand, I wish I hadn’t used the word ‘brave’ when I could so easily have replaced it with foolhardy or thoughtless or even omitted an adjective altogether in my clumsy attempt to illustrate my train of thought. On the other hand I am so glad that I did, somewhat carelessly, add this word because you have picked up on it, given it the benefit of your insight, and provided me with yet another avenue of thought. Exactly why I am enjoying this dialogue so much.
I am still digging into the concept of authenticity and adding the alignment aspect that you mention, which is all new to me, and need a little more time sifting the grains of thought that your answers have uncovered.
In the mean time, thank you for your considered responses, I feel honored that you have taken the time.
walkinginthemoorlands,
Thank you for your kind words. I am equally honored that you would consider my responses worthy of further deliberation. I write not to achieve “hits” or generate affiliate clicks, but to co-create new perspectives that we might explore.
Whether you believe it or not, your questions are important to me, as they ask me to reach for ever newer perspectives, or add important detail to those I am currently working with, even as my responses might (hopefully) call you to do the same.
Please check in again…
Hi WordGuy – the topic is still very much on my mind and I am certainly enjoying our dialogue on it; thank you for the reassurance that my questions and perspectives are welcome. I’m looking forward to a little free time to spend on this subject to collate my thoughts. I have a shortage of time rather than thoughts!! Even though I am a novice and you are the pro, I relish the idea of co-creating perspectives.
(an aside to WordGuy’s other readers: this would be a great moment to hop in and have your say…)